Just like love or is it?

Never thought I was this way...

So weird but nice

 14:27 23-10-2009

My mind says “It’s time to stop it”, but my heart doesn’t seem to give in. It continues its flow of emotion and cared nothing about where it leads to. It might be just an exaggeration, a big illusion, or an imagination that probably hurts those involved. It is better to stop right here and go no further as the road awaiting is so blur and so insecure. There is nothing to be sure that there is something here. The only thing that I wonder is why I could let it happen. I knew it could turn out this way since I started sinking into it, but still I went for it uncontrollably. I tried to be tough, but it was so strong that I melted. I could not even make sense of what I am doing or what I am thinking. It was so unreasonable, so weird, and so crazy. But it is nice, though. It is a feeling like you find a company when you are walking alone in a dry and boring desert. It is sweet and warm and tempting. It could make you see the world in a completely different way- more positive, yet more practical. It makes you want to grow up and be someone. It teaches you the value of time and though time does not change its length in each minute or each hour, you may see in some moment “time flies” and in some others “time walks.” You know how frustrating it is to wait, and how joyful it is when the thing you are waiting finally comes. You know it does not last long, but you are happy to have it right at this moment. At least, you got someone to befriend with in your journey though that companion might last only temporarily. I could not even let it all out here for there is something that stops me and stops my words. It starts with W, perhaps. Will, it tells me to go back to myself, be realistic and keep myself away from that uncertain temptation. Certainly, I will! It is so weird. But it's so nice, though.

By A sweet little  thing with big imagination

Mixed-up

 16:03 17-02-2010

What is love?You may wonder.

Is that the feeling of missing someone like crazy and being tired of checking the Inbox many times for a new message? Is that the frustration when counting down each single day to the date or the eagerness when the day finally comes? Is that the tolerance and calmness shown in the most annoying situations, or that the will to do just anything to see a smiley face?

What about the fast heartbeat, “the butterfly in the stomach” or the shyness when facing someone? If you experience all of those symptoms, probably you’re in love. But if you don’t, perhaps you’re falling in anything but love.

Sometimes the greed is so strong that you don’t want to let loose anything. You want to be cared for, befriended with but you don’t do anything in return. You are too selfish to put yourself in the other’s situation, to feel the hurt you are causing to them. You are taking everything for granted that you deserve it.

 But you’re mistaken. Everything has a limit. No one can stand your treating them like that. One day, they will walk away from you. And you’re left here, alone feeling guilty.

Now I see you're trembling. You look afraid.Do you have anything to say?

Well, I am all ears. So what?

You say you don’t want to lie to yourself and to that person when you’re still uncertain about how you feel? Perhaps it’s just a special friendship, not yet a romance. You’re touched when hearing those emotional words, but when regaining your consciousness, you doubt whether you have the same feeling. It has taken much of your time just to think about that matter, so much that you pay no mind to other things. It’s really dangerous that way. You still believe love should be positive and motivating, not harmful and hurtful. You know whatever said is just an excuse, and you’re not to be forgiven. You were so happy to have such a great friend that you didn’t know that relationship could be driven to another way. No one has ever cared for you that way. No one has ever done so much just because of you. But …you don’t feel at ease receiving all of that. You know it should be a two-sided affair, and you’re not ready on your side. You want to say Sorry, but still you want to keep that friendship. How greedy you are! How blind, stupid, silly you are! You think just saying “sorry” can heal a pain? No way.

Hey, why are you crying? You think it’s unfair for you or you shouldn’t be to blame? You say you didn’t do it on purpose, and that you were truly thankful for what you had been given, and you never want to hurt anyone. You are too mixed-up to make any decision.

 Well, I can’t decide it for you now. It’s just too complicated. Perhaps you need some more time to calm yourself down, and solve this matter. You have to make your own decision for your destiny, anyway. No one else can do it for you.

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I read the SMSs again. Each word has moved me so much.. But why that feeling just exists when I am alone, reading the SMSs? I have tried, I have tried to do things I have never done before, but somehow it's just different.

Can you?

 21:44 07-11-2009

Can you ?

Can you see me when I am invisible

Can listen to what I don't say

Can stay when everyone left

Can accept who I really am

Remain calm when I am mad

Can forget what I did wrong

Can be strong when I feel weak

Stand by me through thick and thin

Say the words that you really mean

 Sing a song whenever I ask

Make me laugh when I want to cry

Make a child become a grown-up?

-  HH-

Lost in thought

 01:22 10-05-2010

Don’t know when  it starts

Don’t know where it goes

Just know now it lasts

With days filled with joy

You’re here with me

Near, though distance far

Cold, outside wind blows

Warm inside, your care…

I want to believe this is not a dream, and you are not a dream.

Two years ago, we were just  two strangers happening to be in the same place, but went no further than knowing about each other’ existence.

One year ago, we met again with not much  impression left on me. Millions of people had passed by my life , quickly and subtly, and perhaps you were just one of such millions – I thought. But that’s not true, for you are one in a million, standing out and tempting like a magnet. And  I was unconsciously pulled closer…and closer to you though I tried to keep a distance.

Six months ago, I was torn between the decision to move on or step backward. I couldn’t make up my mind. I thought of your words: “believe me”, but should I?

Three months ago, I made my decision, and it was plain to see how it went.

Now, I feel secure and comfortable with things going on track. I want to believe you.

Two months later, if things are the same?

One year later, how will things go?

Three years later…

Ten years later...Would  you ever let me down?

Rainy day, I let my mind wander and  lost in thought of  you.

Just like love or is it? ( part 2)

 00:32 02-07-2010

"Is love a habit?" She kept wondering that question. It had been one week since his last call. It had been one week since they last met. She missed him, but what could she do? She tried calling him, but received no answer. She tried messaging him, but received no immediate response. He said he was busy, and "you must believe". Yes, she believed him. At least she wanted to believe him though her belief was being challenged.

He no longer sent messages each morning and each  night, no longer called her every evening, no longer wanted to meet her like crazy. They no longer dated as they used to. Were they on the verge of a break-up? She dared not ask him. But she did not feel at ease. What happened? She was afraid of being the last to know.

She checked the phone several times a day, but there was no signal of a missed call or a new message. " Should I call him?  A thought sprang to her mind and she hesitantly unlocked her phone. His number no longer appeared on the recent contact log, so she had to search   the contact list . Here they were, familiar numbers. Her finger was ready  on the Call, but strangely she had no strength to press it. Suddenly she gave it a Cancel.

She wonder if she was missing him, or she was just trying to recover a habit of these old days.

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WHAT HAPPEN TO ME?

Every day, I think about you

All the time, crazy for you.

Tell my self, again and again.

I'll be patience but then

I feel you, deep in my heart.

Sell my soul, for just one part.

Could it be, ohh ... that is there

After all you say to me

"You broke my confidence"

Took it all, what can you see

Makes no different to you see

What happens to me ?

Every day, I wake without you

One more way to think what is true

Lives goes on, what else can I do ?

You're not here, you don't need me.

You broke my confidence.

Took it all, what can you see.

Makes no different to you see.

What happen to me ?

Never brave to worry, didn't need to care.

That you really love me, You're not there

Every day when I think about you.

Like a prayer to the child is new.

In my thought, you always be.

You're the only one could make me happy

You broke my confidence.

Took it all, what can you see.

Makes no different to you see.

What happen to me ?

http://www.nhaccuatui.com/nghe?M=nIWKRCE4xO

I thought it was what you wanted to tell me, but it isn’t. I thought you were that crazy about me, but you aren’t. I thought sincerity meant all in love, but it doesn’t. I am like a child who doesn’t want to grow up, like a dreamer who doesn’t want to be brought back to reality, like a lover who knows nothing but love. Now I have to wake up, to face the fact that you’re not here for me, and to do meaningful things other than love. I will get back on stronger than you think. You’ll see.